Paper bags are good. Though you’re less likely to see them these days – they’re somewhat of an anomaly what with the idea of being green, etc. I remember when growing up, every grocery store had stacks of large paper bags at the end of the cashier’s lane where young boys dressed impeccably in starched white would sort out your groceries, placing heavy items on the bottom, and lighter items on top, packed perfectly and never squashing the fresh bread.

Or was that on an episode of “Leave It to Beaver?”

At any rate, some stores do still use paper bags of different styles – be it the Macy’s or Bloomingdale’s type of store, or the “liquor” type of store – and its always nice to save them in case you ever need one of them to use as a text book cover or to line a garbage pail. They should also be stored in a convenient place in a nice, neat, little area of the kitchen where they’re always accessible when you need them.

Spiders are also good – that is, when they’re outside, in the garden, catching icky bugs, and nasty flies, and such, so that they don’t make it into the house. They’re a bit less attractive in the house – especially since they don’t pay rent.

But then there was the other day when the two worlds collided.

My partner and I were cleaning up the kitchen one Saturday afternoon. It was getting close enough to Spring to be considered a Spring Cleaning, so we were pulling all sorts of things out of corners. This, of course, included the little cubby where we store that wonderful little treasure trove of paper bags in the corner between the cabinets and the wall. Suddenly, out walked (like he owned the place) a HUGE garden spider (this thing must have been at least 5 inches in diameter!) from under the basement door. I was by the sink on the opposite side of the kitchen when I heard this masculine high-pitched squeel from across the room. I looked over and saw my partner dancing and pointing to this HUGE brown thing with legs walking (more like strolling) across the kitchen floor.

“Step on it!!” I said.

Instead, he ran around the room looking for the spray bottle filled with bleach and water.

Curious Bloke: What are you doing???? (a la a sixth grader)
Partner: I’m going to spray it and kill it!
Curious Bloke: Just step on it!

He continued to spray the thing as it darted for the cubby hole with the bags – where he continually sprayed the paper bags as if he was brandishing an Uzi or a flame-thrower.

Curious Bloke: What the hell are you doing???? (a la a sixth grader)
Partner: I’m going to kill it!

It was gone. It probably found some little hole in the back of the cabinets to retreate to the basement where its nest was so it could feed its millions of babies and take revenge in the middle of the night.

Curious Bloke: Well, now we’ve lost it!

We continued our cleaning excursion in the kitchen for the next couple of minutes, when my partner decided to pull out those wonderful paper bags we cherished so much to clean out the dust in the back. As he pulled them out, lo and behold, the HUGE spider dropped to the floor (dry as a bone, I might add), and started walking briskly toward the basement door. Apparently there was no way out the back.

Curious Bloke: Step on it!!!!! (a la a sixth grader)
Partner: No! You step on it!
Curious Bloke: Just step on it!!!!! (you get the idea…)

To which my Partner dropped a single paper bag on top of it in dire hopes of crushing it with the enormous weight of a single paper bag.

Curious Bloke: Oh for crying out loud!

I walked over to the paper bag sitting on the floor covering the HUGE spider, flip-flopping across the kitchen floor in my flip-flops, and promptly STOMPED on the paper bag.

We both stood there staring at the paper bag waiting for it to move….

I slowly bent over to pick up the paper bag (there was no way we were going to use that bag again!) to reveal the mess underneath.

Curious Bloke: Don’t forget to clean that up.

Paper bags are good in the house. Spiders are good outside the house. But if those two worlds should never come together, be warned it could cause a huge mess on the floor.