USPostalService

Dear US Postal Service,

In my line of business, I receive, open, and date-stamp a lot of postal mail every day. It’s not uncommon for me to go through 3 and 4 deliveries a day pounding away with that incessant date stamper on everything that comes in. However, recently I started seeing (quite regularly, I might add) … um … let’s call them “mistakes” that you’ve been making. These “mistakes” generally end up looking like they’ve been eaten by the dog, or used to prop open a garage door.

At least you took the time to place the items you find chewed up into another envelope with your sincerely apologetic message on the back:

WE CARE

DEAR VALUED POSTAL CUSTOMER:

I want to extend my sincere apology as your Postmaster for the enclosed document that was inadvertently damaged in handling by your Postal Service.

We are aware how important your mail is to you. With that in mind, we are forwarding it to you in an expeditious fashion.

The United States Postal Service handles over 202 billion pieces of mail each year. While each employee makes a concerted effort to process, without damage, each piece of mail, an occasional mishap does happen.

We are constantly working to improve our processing methods so that these incidents will be eliminated. You can help us greatly in our efforts if you will continue to properly prepare and address each letter or parcel that you enter into the mailstream.

We appreciate your cooperation and understanding and sincerely regret any inconvenience that you have experienced.

YOUR POSTMASTER

Really? I mean, this has to be the worst apology ever (I apologize for cheating on you … but it’s your fault because you’re ugly and you really shouldn’t have let me out of your sight for those five minutes.)

It’s like saying you’re so sorry about what happened, but it’s not your fault because you process 202 billion pieces of mail each year. Therefore, it must be MY fault that you damaged my mail because I’ve entered things into the mailstream and made your job oh so much moredifficult.

Your apology is written like the Grand Wizard of Customer Service from the 1980s (you know, when hair was big and everything was so incredibly impersonal. “Dear Valued Postal Customer” is not my name, though I certainly agree that taking my name off the address block of the piece of mail you just mangled might seem a little too forward for you.

We are aware how important your mail is to you …” – Yeah, that’s why I’ve moved almost all of my mailstream to email. I can’t believe I actually had to pay you $1.10 to pummel my piece of mail to smithereens to hear you say “Oops” to your Dear Valued Postal Customer – me.

The entire message is nothing but a Sheldon Cooper-ish “neener-neener” in the written form, and the few times I’ve been forced to deal with you in person because you refused to deliver a package to me at my office location, necessitating my appearance in your hallowed halls to sign for it, you were nasty, unprofessional, rude, and sloooooooooooooooow. You know, most people only have 30-60 minutes for lunch and don’t generally intend to spend all of it waiting in your lines, right?

One suggestion I have is to start treating your customers (yes, that’s what we are) like customers and not like the ugly step-child, because one day the US Postal Service will go into default and you’ll be looking for work somewhere else. And honey, the term “going postal” will take on a totally new meaning.

Hugs and Kisses,
Curious Bloke

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