God Spoke

Well, Irene is totally out of here, though still wreaking havoc on all the areas she affected with flooding, flooding, and more flooding. I was actually surprised when we woke up Sunday morning – just at the time when she was supposed to be at her worst – to light summer breezes and a slight drizzle. I was perplexed. I was expecting the power to go out. I was expecting trees and limbs to be flying into our yard from other neighborhoods. I expected high winds.

In short, I was expecting a hurricane.

Irene can be Such a Bitch

As I write this, the approach of Hurricane Irene looms over the area like a black, wet wash cloth. It’s really an odd feeling from people; it’s like they’ve gotten really stupid and can’t seem to think a solid thought. Though we’d all like to say we’re tough and we’ve been through lots of “stuff” in this area of the states, the reality is that the Mid-Atlantic region is a relatively safe place when it comes to natural disasters. They simply don’t happen much (if at all) in the Mid-Atlantic. Hurricanes are more likely to be sucked up into the Carolinas for some reason, or over into the Gulf of Mexico where it has its pick of landings. Earthquakes only happen on the left coast like the 1974 movie portrayed it. And tornados are limited to Kansas and the rest of the mid-west.

Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!

Bats in the Belfrey

I recently visited with some friends out of town. Whenever we get together, we always have a great time, even if it’s just sitting around and catching up. Normally, we don’t have much in the line of excitement happening when we visit. Our excitement is gossiping about what’s been happening in each of our lives, how it’s affecting the rest of us, and finding good places to eat. But this weekend held a more interesting topic: Bats.

Dumb and Dumber

Honestly? I never saw the movie Dumb and Dumber either in the theaters or on HBO. I basically know the premise, though. It’s all about the cross-country adventures of two incredibly stupid friends.

It’s about Christine O’Donnell and Michele Bachman, right?

Customer Service is a Misnomer

I’m sure a lot of people out there have had to deal with a customer service representative at some point in their life – whether with the phone company, the cable company, the bank, or even (*gasp*) the DMV. Do you remember the last time you hung up the phone, or left an office, and thought to yourself, “Wow, that was a really nice and helpful person who remembered that I was the customer and they offered me wonderful service! I can’t wait to deal with them the next time I have an issue that needs to be solved!” No, it would probably be a safer bet to guess how many ways you were able to conjugate the verb “to fuck” on the fly, and the number of different parts of speech in which you were able to use it. Grammar can be so inventive at those times!

Letter to the Mom at Bed Bath and Beyond

Dear Mother Who Can’t Seem to Control Her Kids,

Perhaps I’ll be the first one to mention this to you publicly, but you simply can’t seem to control your kids. Or, perhaps, you’ve heard this before from your friends and family who keep inviting you to gatherings without them. Or maybe you’ve received those wedding invitations that said, “No children, please” and didn’t understand why. I’ll tell you why. Because we’ve met your kids. But before I continue, maybe I should let you in on the clues leading me to believe that you can’t control those kids of yours.

Life and Death

I was reminded recently of the two absolutes of life: Birth and Death. In order to have life, there must first be a birth, and then, eventually, a death. Both of these events cause a great disturbance in the lives of those near and dear, and through that disturbance, great changes are effected in the lives of those closest. In just the past month, I’ve heard of the birth of three babies (three separate co-workers of mine all became grandmothers this month), and the death of a dear friend’s uncle, who was more like a father than an uncle. In all these instances, the lives of those people were forever changed – as they should be. As always with me, it got me thinking about it all; these polar opposites of the same thing.

We only know how much we miss ‘em when they’re gone

We all know it. We take people for granted. They come into our lives, whether by birth, or through mutual friends, or through circumstances that only God could have arranged, and we don’t realize just how much we rely on seeing them, on spending time with them, on having them in our lives. We look forward to seeing their face, and we never give it a second thought to pick up the phone and call them to tell them how our day went, or about something we saw that immediately made us think of them. We don’t think about how our lives would be without them, because we don’t ever imagine our lives without them. As far as we’re concerned, they’ve always been there.

And Then There Were None

With the end of the Shuttle program, 8,000 people have been laid off. No more shuttle missions have been scheduled. All of the shuttles have been retired to museums. Great news for the museums around the country (especially the Smithsonian). I’m sure people will be lining up all over the place to see the vehicles that took us to the beginning of space, but I’m sure it hasn’t pleased those getting laid off. I mean, isn’t it just wonderful that now an additional 8,000 people have been added to the unemployment lines at this most opportune time when unemployment is still hovering at 9.2% and the economy still hasn’t recovered from the recession (do I hear “Double-Dip Recession” again?). And, of course Congress passed a budget in just enough time to forestall the debt-default, keeping our AAA credit as a country (just don’t get me started on the FAA shutdown fiasco to save a couple million dollars only to create a loss of a couple billion dollars every day!). Anyone care for some Vaseline? Because Congress surely isn’t passing it out…

But I digress.

My Pet

I have a pet peeve. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that someone as loving and wonderful like me would have a pet peeve. And no, it’s not a pet peeve like a pet rock or something like that. Oh, no. This is more like a pet hornet – it gets all up in my bonnet when it happens. It’s this: the majority of people these days simply do not know how to use that new-fangled contraption Edison done invented called a tell-ee-fone.